“I’m Trying, But It’s Not Working” - Why Making Friends After a Move Feels So Hard

You can be doing all the “right things” after a move…
Putting yourself out there, going to events, talking to people…and still feel like it’s not working.

You leave thinking,
“That was fine… but not it.”

And after a while, it starts to feel frustrating.

Like… what else am I supposed to be doing?

What “Trying” Actually Looks Like

When people say they’re trying, they usually are.

It looks like:

• Striking up conversations with coworkers or neighbors
• Going to an event or joining something new
• Showing up to something recurring a few times
• Saying yes when you’d normally stay home

That’s effort.

That counts.

But here’s where things start to break down…

Why It Feels Like It’s Not Working

The disconnect usually isn’t a lack of effort.

It’s expectations.

People expect that if they:

• Show up
• Are friendly
• Put themselves out there,

they’ll naturally find someone they click with pretty quickly.

And when that doesn’t happen?

It’s easy to start thinking:

• Maybe this just isn’t my place
• Maybe I don’t fit here
• Maybe it’s not going to happen for me

I’ve been there.

I went to newcomer events where I didn’t feel like I aligned with anyone.

I showed up to women’s gatherings where I felt like a third wheel in already-established friend groups.

And I remember thinking,
Where are the people like me? Why do I still feel so out-of-place?

What Changed Everything for Me

At some point, I realized it wasn’t about trying harder.

It was about trying differently.

Instead of staying in the same types of groups that weren’t clicking, I expanded where I was showing up.

I started looking at things through a few different lenses:

• Personal interests (things I actually enjoy)
• Professional connections
• Things I could do solo
• Things I could do with my husband

I didn’t have unlimited time, so I had to be intentional.

Where did I have the best chance of meeting people I’d actually connect with?

And one of the best things I ever did…

was start something myself.

When You Can’t Find It… Create It

In one place we lived, I had met a couple of women I really liked.

We had talked multiple times, and we had something in common, we all enjoyed reading.

So instead of waiting to “find” the right group…

I started a book club.

It was simple at first.

A few of us.
One book.
One night a month.

But then something really special happened.

Those women invited other women. 

And over time, it became a group of people who:

• Genuinely enjoyed being together
• Showed up consistently
• Created space for connection

We’d meet at someone’s house, share dinner, talk about the book…
but honestly, the book became the least important part.

That group turned into real friendships.

The kind that take time.

The kind you don’t find overnight.

The Expectation That Sets People Up to Feel Like It’s Not Working

A big part of the frustration comes from this:

People are unknowingly trying to replace their best friendships.

The ones from:

• High school
• College
• Early adulthood
• Childhood...

The ones built over years of shared experiences.

And when new connections don’t immediately feel like that…it feels like something is missing.

But those friendships didn’t start that way either.

They were built.

Over time.

Through consistency.

Through shared experiences.

So instead of asking:
“Is this my new best friend?”

A better question is:
“Is this someone I enjoy enough to see again?”

That’s how friendships actually form.

If You Feel Like Giving Up… Read This

If you’re in that place where it feels like your efforts aren’t paying off…

Don’t stop.

Adjust.

• Try something different
• Go somewhere new
• Shift your expectations
• Give it more time

Because isolating yourself? That guarantees nothing will change.

But continuing to show up, even when it feels slow, is what eventually creates momentum.

One Thing That Makes the Biggest Difference

If you do one thing to feel more connected after a move…make it this:

Get involved.

Not perfectly.
Not constantly.

But consistently enough that people start to recognize you.

That’s when things start to shift.

That’s when conversations get easier.

That’s when connection becomes more natural. 

If you’re navigating this right now, you’re not doing it wrong.

It just takes longer (and looks different) than most people expect.

A Question for You

Where have you been showing up lately…and is it actually aligned with the kind of people you’re hoping to meet?

Email me and let me know! [email protected]